When you were born, I felt like I had finally become who I was meant to be.
I remember staying up at night to watch you sleep. I remember usually having you beside me while you slept because I wanted to make sure to hear if your breathing changed. I remember not listening to the people who told me that I was holding you too much. Disagreeing with others who told me to let you cry yourself to sleep. I wanted you to know that it didn't matter how sleep deprived, tired, or in pain I was, if you needed me- I WOULD BE THERE. PERIOD.
I watched you grow into an energetic toddler. You were inquisitive and clever. You asked me to leave when I took you to nursery (church Sunday school for 18 months - 3 years old) the first time. I thought you needed me to stay. Nope. You were fiesty and often threw yourself on the sidewalk when you didn't want to go home. I had to carry you home like a football.
My whole family was working at the time of my university graduation, so it was you and I who walked the beautiful halls of academia to pick up my degree from the registrars office. You and I alone shared that privilege. And it was enough for me that you were there.
You continued to grow and I poured all the best of me into you. You were gregarious and kind and funny. At age six, you donated your beautiful locks to wigs for cancer in honour of your grandfather. You were a ray of sunshine, and being your mom was pure joy. And though you didn't have many temporal luxuries, the only thing you missed having, and wished for, was a sibling.
You grieved with us after we experienced loss. And when our family FINALLY grew and doubled in size, you happily made room and shared dad and I. You rejoiced with us, and, with the grace of a seasoned peace builder, you rocked the role of older sister!
Why do I write you now so publicly?
Because privately in the last few years you have gone without. This year especially you have missed opportunities, foregone personal gain and many entitlements of youth...in order to bless your family. You - who are my child, have supported me as I scrambled to pick up the pieces of my shattered world.
You have struggled along side us as we have struggled to fight for your younger sister.
Those same little girls whose arrival date you eagerly counted down. The ones whose gestation weights you compared to nuts, fruit and poultry as they grew inside my belly. Those same little girls, now one of them healthy and the other one not.
You are an unsung hero. Your siblings prefer you to anyone else if I am not around.
Your giving nature provides them comfort in times when I have to be away at the hospital with our precious one.
I pray you have never felt taken for granted. I pray that you have always known your immeasurable worth to us and especially to your Heavenly Father.
I want you to know that my heart has been heavy to see you and your siblings grow up so quickly, as one of the impacts of having a critically ill sister.
Just like the day of your birth is also shared with the commemorations of 9/11, so now the month of your birth will be entertwined with pediatric cancer awareness.
I have carried such guilt that you had to take on the role of caring helper and my right hand for extended periods... You should have been at the movies, or in dance, or at the swimming pool, or going to concerts and hanging out with friends.
This was not how I envisioned your life would be for your senior year of high school. This was not what I envisioned for your siblings. And yet, I have never heard you complain.
Today especially, on this blessed day that is your birthday, I want to say....
HOW GRATEFUL I AM FOR YOU.
HOW PROUD I AM TO BE YOUR MOTHER.
HOW HONOURED I FEEL TO KNOW YOU.
HOW BLESSED WE ALL ARE TO HAVE YOU AS THE FIRSTBORN, in the noble place of being the oldest.
HOW MUCH BETTER THE WORLD IS BECAUSE YOU ARE IN IT!
I love you. I bless you that you may reach your goals and continue to use the stumbling blocks you face, as stepping stones instead.
I wish you a wonderful birthday and glorious and long life.
