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| One of my favorite things to do is mark the children's birthdays with a quick photo shoot for my digital journal. I love looking back at the pictures I take and I modify the files so that I can post on social media. |
In 2015 our family moved to a small town named Onoway just outside of Edmonton. After having lived 4 hours away from Edmonton for 7 years, living only 1 hour away from that metropolitan city was so exciting.
We drove into town in our red truck pulling our trailer behind. As we arrived, even though we had been in the town when we found the home we purchased, I felt a little quesy. I had not lived in such a small community since I was a 4 year old, living in the village that I was born in. I worried about whether we made the right choice. I wondered if I was feeling sick because it was a new place and it was small town. After all, after leaving my village with my family at age 5, I had only lived in major centers. The first few weeks here in town, I was sure I was having stomach problems because I was anxious about having moved here. I could not have known then, how the community would embrace our family during our time of crisis.
By the 4th week in our new home, I suspected something else was going on. I had an inkling that the impossible might be possible. I began to suspect that I might be pregnant! Casually I asked Aaron to pick up a test for me and then waited a couple of weeks before I took it. By then Aaron had forgotten all about the test. So, when I woke up early one morning to take it and discovered the positive line on the stick, then quickly woke him up to share the news, I think he was in a bit of a shock!
This is because according to our medical situations, a pregnancy was highly unlikely. But, as I mentioned earlier, I had begun to sense in an impossible possibility!
Enter Ammon Dezi Dee
Why is the birth of my youngest son such a big topic still 5 years later? Because it was the hardest pregnancy and most terrible delivery of all my pregnancies. And, I was accustomed to the pain of loss, the suffering of an imperfect body and the hardship of my having a child at such an uncomfortable age.
My specialist knew when I was rushed to the hospital that after everything I had been through, if my contractions were coming that fast and I was losing that much blood, and it being a month earlier than my due date, she had to act. Sadly because she wasn't at her best, she made a mistake that caused me more complications and pain and suffering. Yet, when I look at Ammon and I listen to him speak. When I hear him sing and watch him dance and smile and laugh and tell a joke, I wouldn't change the circumstances of his birth. I would go through it all again. Just to see his beautiful smile and bask in his sweet yet powerful energy.
The Present
May 27th was his 5th birthday.
Not only did he survive under precarious conditions in my uterus, he has survived and thrived for 5 years!
This little guy had to live without a mom and dad for 2 weeks when Aven was diagnosed with cancer. Then he had to do without his mother for almost 9 weeks while I went to Florida with Aven for proton radiation therapy.
Some people call it intuition. In my faith, we call it inspiration or direction from the Spirit of God when we feel compelled to do something.
In December of 2018, although there was no obvious reason to wean him from breastfeeding and after having been a staunch supporter of breastfeeding for our kids, I felt it was time to wean him. He had accomplished the independence of being weaned for about 3 weeks when we were told in the hospital that we and Aven would not be coming home anytime soon.
The only thing that hurt me more, that tore my heart in two was leaving him behind. We left Ammon and his siblings behind to travel for the treatment to give Aven her best chance. That was in February of 2019 and even now, two years later, there are times that he struggles with me leaving the house without him. I know that each of the children has struggles from that time in our lives, yet as the youngest in the home, his struggle makes me feel the most guilty.
I know that guilt is a common feeling for mothers who have been in my situation and that I shouldn't beat myself up about what was a devastating decision, still it is an inner struggle. What part of my inner me do I feed?
A State of MIND: A short but relevant digression
Recently I had a chance to explain to my 4 youngest children how my mind works. We were on a camping trip and I was roughing it by first world standards and my at times diva alter ego standards. So I made a decision as a parent that I immediately questioned and had an internal melt-down about.
I shared with Aven, Lily, Jimmy and Ammon that almost always when I make parenting decision, there is an inner struggle between what I perceive is an example of a competent parent and what I perceive is a bad parent. I shared with them that I was presently struggling between what I knew was an unfair (bad parent/person) decision and what I knew was the better (good/competent parent/person) decision. I told them as they sat sweetly listening to me share passionately what I was feeling, that I knew that there was one or the other that I had to feed.
And even though I was tired and grouchy about a water situation in our trailer (yeah, I know it was wimpy of me), and even though I was going to put myself out of my comfort zone by choosing the "better" parenting decision, I STILL HAD A CHOICE about which part of my inner me to feed. So I told them, that I was choosing to feed the better parent within me. If they would give me a second chance to make the better decision, they too would get a second chance. The consequence from the actions they had taken would be modified so that it was fair. That meant they were going to get to do something they had been looking forward to. And those little kids. Poor little kids. They cheered me on. They said thank you and good job. And I felt like a million bucks. I had won a tiny but terrible inner battle.
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| Pigeon Lake |
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| Walk in the Pigeon Lake campsite while dad prepared a tinfoil dinner. |
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| Posing carefully before a multi-kid dive in the air. A picture of that would have been nice if I wasn't worried about Aven's landing. So I stood near her instead. |
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| Watching the one Diego dvd we have in the trailer, while mom and dad cleaned up and got ready for the days activities. |
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| Dad teaching Jimmy how to dig a moat around his castle. |
Back to Ammon
I share that small glimpse into my thoughts because I know that every member of our family will for some time struggle with feelings of guilt and sadness. We will grieve what we once had before Aven got sick. We will struggle with common symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder. {According to our neuropsychologist} And we will have to choose. What feelings inside of us we will feed.
So while I look forward to the time that I don't have guilt about my youngest child having had to struggle without me at such a tender age, it is ok if I experience guilt. I can let it have a temp position in my mind. And when it's contract is done, I can thank it for what it taught me and let it move on.
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| Posing in his new hat. |
Our little Tsunami
It was heartwarming to live these few days before Ammon's birthday. The children each asked if they could use their own money to gift him something. All day they helped him and pampered him. In our family, the birthday kid doesn't have to do chores on their birthday. They get to choose what they want to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Ammon chose toast and grapes for breakfast, pizza for lunch and Chinese food for dinner. We had to change the itinerary for this birthday because Aven had to be in the hospital today. He took it all in stride. God bless him for his resilience and adaptability.
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| One of my favorite close ups. |
Birthday Eve
In our family we also celebrate birthday eve. This year we have celebrated birthday eve with the family of some amazing youth. It is an interesting dynamic because our little kids love their teenagers and LOVE to go to their acreage and just roam. The daughters have been our helpers and babysitters. All 3 of the children have blessed our children's lives with kindness. The family have similar values and perspectives.
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| A stroll through the woods on our friends' property. |
2021-Second Pandemic Birthday
Since Aven had to have her ophthamology appointment and the children wanted to go into town with her, we switched up the plans we had for Ammon's 5th birthday.
Before the pandemic the children would take turns going with Aven to the hospital. Now only one parent is allowed and no siblings can go. Aaron dropped Aven and I off and took the kids to Hawrelak Park while we were at her follow-up.
Ammon asked for a helium balloon and bought one for each of the little kids. His was a dinosaur of course. Then we headed home in time for dinner.
One of the most fun parts for our kids birthday celebrations is playing spin the bottle. The birthday boy got to spin the bottle to decide which present to open from each family member. In the past, it would be their little friends in a circle. We have a big enough herd that it is a party even if just immediate family is present!
Gratitude:
After years of secondary unexplained infertility, the addition of more children to our family has been miraculous. And when I consider all the things that had to go right in order for Ammon to be born, I feel keenly the mercy and blessing of my Heavenly parents.
Our family didn't take each other for granted in the past, but after what we have lived for the last 2 years, our time together is that much more precious to us.
Aaron and I are grateful for the beautiful and amazing and talented children we have been trusted with. We are in awe of them. When birthdays come around in our family, we honor the divine intervention that made their births a reality.
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| Aven is a little mother hen to Ammon. She and he often compete for a spot next to me at bedtime cuddle time. |
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| Some of my favorite photos of Aaron with Ammon. It was hard to narrow all of them down! |
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| Gigi has been his constant. As the firstborn and the lastborn, they have a unique and special bond. |
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| The best way to describe their relationship is: ticking time bomb. I intervene in the pre-fights because they are not currently evenly matched for strength. Jimmy is learning how his actions impact and influence his younger brother. |
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| Lily is the best friend and amazing sister helper to her youngest brother. She and he are evenly matched as buddies because of her gentle and flexible personality. |
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| There are few pictures of me and Ammon (or any of the kids) because I am usually behind the camera. But I did manage to find these! |
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| Our thoughtful neighbor gave us the plant baskets from her purchases so we would have enough for our seeds. Here Ammon is in a rare slow moment, helping to plant. |
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| Ready for the "beach". |
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| One of the poses he chose for his birthday photo shoot. |
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| His picture smile. |
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| Mama Nemi (Memi): the next best thing to mom. My mom has supported me in all the good and bad times for my family and I. |
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| First photo medley after being released from the hospital. |
