SANCTUARY, I need sanctuary!: Finding peace when there is change.

 

Peggy's Cove, Nova Scotia

INTRODUCTION:

It all started with the question: “Mom, what does sanctuary mean?”

I answered my little boy’s question using words and examples he would understand. When he seemed satisfied with the new information he had just learned, I went on to reflect on his question the rest of the way home.

HOW MY MIND WORKS:

What came to mind was movies I have watched where the protagonist seeks sanctuary in a cathedral and somehow the soldiers chasing her dare not enter. Then my kaleidoscope style of thinking jumped to varying images of buildings or spaces that offered protection. The image of Quasimodo in the Hunchback of Notre Dame, the Swan Sanctuary in Victoria, BC, the bird sanctuary somewhere in the middle part of Vancouver Island, monasteries the served as a refuge for different at- risk individuals throughout history. Finally, my mind landed on the different places where I have sought and found sanctuary.

A HOMEMADE WISH TRIP:

The first time I sought sanctuary during my trip across Canada with a truckload full of kids and pulling a trailer behind us was in a place called French River. We were traveling through Ontario. We had taken a wrong turn when trying to find our campsite, so we were driving later than usual. There were no safe places to stop and spend the night, and the kids were exhausted but plugged in (meaning I was letting them have their media devices). I was quickly looking for alternative spots to stop and I came across a motel that looked like it could work for us to park for the night. When we arrived though, they wouldn’t let us stay. As we were turned away, I felt a twinge of pain in my heart. Even though our situation was not even one percent the same as the sweet couple we think about every Christmas; still, I remembered that the young family was turned away over and over. I wondered what was running through Joseph’s head back then? I wondered what Mary felt as she braced herself for another rejection. As the Christmas season arrived, I continued to ponder on what sanctuary means to me and what is it that I consider a sanctuary.

When placed in the situation of experiencing houselessness and having our temporary accommodation when camping turn into our permanent accommodation, I felt so inadequate. What in the planning stages sounded cool and fun and adventurous, during implementation took so much extra energy. An expert spinner as I had to spin difficult things to Aven and the kids during the past couple of years she was in treatment, there I was again spinning. Trying to shield the children from the difficulties we inevitably had to face. Trying to “make room” in the scarcity of our space. That day in Ontario,

•    after a long, stressful drive, and
•    having gotten lost, and
•    being co-pilot in the dark, and
•    having a different comfort level with speed than our driver,

I took the rejection very personally.  I felt such a heaviness and I felt like such a failure.

And as we tried to figure out our next steps, Aaron remembered that we had driven by a church. I hadn’t seen it because I was stressing out about driving in the dark. I told him we should go and see if the parking lot of the church looked ok for us to park for the night. When we got there we noticed a parish house attached to the church on the same property. Seeing the light on at the house, Aaron and I were prompted to go and ask if we might be given permission to stay in the parking lot. The pastor came to the door tentatively as anyone might be whose door is knocked on late at night. He seemed nervous, likely concerned about who was standing on the other side of the door. This pastor embodied the love of Christ and seeing strangers at his door asking in a sense for sanctuary, he did what all true followers of the great Redeemer should do or aspire to do. He did not turn us away. He let us stay. We camped out at Paroisse Notre-Dame-De-Lourdes in French River, Ontario. How blessed we felt! What a needed respite from worry and stress! What a blessed opportunity to sleep in a safe place! What an opportunity to rest the night and drive with confidence in daylight, rather than at night in a land we had never set foot on. Is it a coincidence that he was still awake at 11 pm? No…, I am certain it wasn’t. The children old enough to know what had happened when we took the wrong turn had decided to pray just as Aaron and I had.  Our prayers were answered that night. This meeting in this place is etched in my memory forever. It seemed like every place we ended up, whether by design or by accident, God found one of his servants to bless us. There was someone to brighten our day or lighten our load.

Paroisse Notre-Dame-De-Lourdes, French River, ON

Here are a few more examples:

There was the college student we met in Vegreville, Alberta that took our photo by the giant Pysanka, even though these days people are afraid to make contact with each other or hold a stranger’s phone for instance. It meant so much to me that she took our photo.

There was the stranger from Lanigan, Saskatchewan who heard my husband asking the cashier at one of the gas stations in town if there was a water fill station we could go to. The campsite we stayed at had shut their water for the season so we only had what was left from the previous campsite and our regular drinking water totes. Without hesitation, and not knowing us, she offered to let us fill our tank at her home. Her husband who is the owner of a hardware store came to the house from the store. He noticed in his home’s security camera that a huge trailer had pulled into the driveway. No worries she said, drive safe. Her name is Marni. I left a blessing for her and her home and family in my secret prayer to the Lord.

Marni and her husband own this place, Lanigan, SK.

The gas station owner in Montmagny, Quebec that called the tow truck company when we got our trailer stuck on a pole and it had to be pulled sideways.

The retired Spanish couple in Ottawa that stopped to talk to us about our trip and gave us some tips on places to see.

Parliament Hill, Ottawa, ON

Niagara Falls, ON

My aunt and uncle who welcomed us into their home and made us all feel so loved with their kindness. As we left, my aunt loaded up our truck with supplies we might need and any food we could carry in grocery bags. She sent presents for the children to open at Christmas and a card with a gift for the three adults in the family. I left a blessing for my aunt and for my uncle and their family.

Tio Sarbe and Tia Carla, with my treasures

My future cousin-in-law who found a place for us to park the trailer that wasn’t too far from my uncle and aunt’s home.

My cousin and his beautiful wife who I hadn’t seen since their wedding day. Neither they nor I had met each other’s children. We were invited to dinner at their home, and it was such a warm and welcoming place. Their children all teenagers and young adults were such amazing humans! We were thrilled to know them. Their kindness and generosity were heart-warming and uplifting. We left a prayer and blessing for this beautiful family as well.

Hugo and Maria, and their beautiful family. I was a bridesmaid at their wedding.

The Maple Leaf Campground owner in St-Leonard-Parent, New Brunswick, who let us stay even though the campground was closed for the season! We left good wishes and we promised to return one day.

Maple Leaf Motel and Campground, St-Leonard-Parent, NB

BLAST FROM THE PAST: HURRICANE ALICIA

But getting back to my time seeking sanctuary. Probably because our stay at our church during a time of crisis is a key memory of my childhood, it was an easy move to seek the church in my adulthood.

There was the time when a hurricane tore the roof off our apartment when we were living in Houston Tx. I was terrified huddling on the hallway part or our apartment with my siblings as my parents rushed about getting a few things packed for us to take with us. A member of our faith came by to drive in front of us on the flooded roads because my father’s sedan likely would not make it without having someone ahead guiding us and helping part the waters. We reached the chapel where we attended church on Sundays. This church leader let us in and made sure we were settled in for the night. I remember there were a few families there, all seeking shelter, sanctuary during the terrible storm. The safety of the church brought a peaceful feeling amidst the raging winds and showers outside. Our parents showed us that the church was our refuge during a storm and could be a refuge and sanctuary from other kinds of storms as well.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints building, New Glasgow, NS

We hope that our children learn the same lesson. We hope that they know where to turn when they experience struggles, and we hope that they find strangers and friends who care.

BACK TO THE PRESENT:

On our trip across Canada, the next place we needed sanctuary was when we got to the outskirts of New Glasgow, Nova Scotia. That was supposed to be our stop for a few months and our attempt to live off grid. Aaron had sourced the location and had been in regular communication with the lady who was supposed to host us. As we crossed the Nova Scotia border, I started to feel like something might not be right. I told Aaron how I felt but he brushed it off thinking that I often overanalyze things. We started traveling to the location that was supposed to be our temporary home and came to a blocked off road and construction signs. Our host hadn’t told us about this obstacle. It would have been nice to know so we could re-plot our route. We ended up having to go on this long, windy and narrow detour. We took another wrong turn with this huge trailer and got to a dead end street!!! I had to get out of the truck and help Aaron back into a stranger’s driveway so we can turn the trailer. They make driveways thin here and there are ditches or culverts on either side. And there we were, trying to get our trailer out! IT was nuts! But we finally managed it (I am sure because of a merciful God in Heaven). Even though by this time my senses were on high alert, we continued our route. I again mentioned my mounting concern about the place we were supposed to end up in. I asked Aaron to check if our host had responded to any of our messages for that day. She hadn’t. Yet, we pressed on. We had come so far. When we arrived at the destination, we put our 4-way flashers on stayed on the side of the road. She had previously told Aaron in that she thought we could back into their driveway. Knowing exactly how I was then feeling Aaron walked into the property to check it out on foot first.  That is when his heart sank and he came to the same conclusion that I had come to 3 hours earlier. This was not going to work. They hadn’t cleared the land like they said they would. There was no level area to put the trailer on and what land there was had holes and uneven ground everywhere! Our trailer would bottom out if we tried to back in or pull in there! We were very disappointed and very tired.

It was getting late and the sun was starting to set. Knowing that the nearest town with a church building from our faith was in New Glasgow, we drove in that direction. We prayerfully arrived at the church building and parked the truck and trailer at the back of the parking lot. Our kids were getting hungry so I started to make dinner while Aaron went inside to find the church leader in the area. The only people in the building were doing family history, but they called the New Glasgow branch president for Aaron. Within minutes, President Macdonald arrived at the church. He was calm and collected…cool as cucumber. You would think that he got a request from a member family traveling across Canada with a truck full of kids and a 29-foot trailer all the time! This loving disciple of Christ let Aaron plug our trailer in at the church and told him we could stay the night at the church parking lot so we could regroup and start to implement plan B. It was too late to keep driving so we set up for the night and got all devices charged up with the church’s power. As Aaron moved our trailer to a better location in the parking lot, the branch president invited the children to a church activity that coming Friday night! He stayed with us until Aaron was done moving the trailer and offered to ask around in his group of members to see if anyone had a spot to rent to us. This church building, this sanctuary was home for a few days while we finalized our new temporary place.

DAVID:

In the end, we found an amazing host in a place called Upper Branch just outside of Bridgewater, Nova Scotia. Among the many things he is, this man is a business leader, community activist, entrepreneur, philanthropist and haskap berry farmer. His heart is made of gold. His business partner put us in contact with David. Because of him we have a soft landing in our experience with off grid living. He has gone above and beyond what we hoped, and we have been given time to try a few different scenarios as we wait for Spring and the next leg of our journey. This sanctuary is a peaceful retreat.

FOR THOSE WE LOVE AND WHO LOVE US:

We know that how we are living is worrisome to our family and to some of our friends. We know it isn’t mainstream as our daughter’s neuropsychologist diplomatically put it. And it seems an odd choice for people with the cloud of cancer hanging over their heads. We know that it is tough, and I can’t sugar-coat and say it is otherwise. We know that if we had come on the trip earlier in the year it would have been easier. But MRIs can’t be pushed back in most situations, let alone Aven’s, so we stayed in Alberta long enough for her latest scan and then came to explore the rest of Canada! We are trying to seize the moment. Why wait?

We are blessed to be close enough to the IWK Health Center in Halifax whose oncology team is going to work with the team at the Stollery Children’s Hospital in Edmonton. After all, it is the same country. There are similarities in health care between provinces. It isn’t a perfect health system here or anywhere but there are checks in place so that someone like Aven doesn’t fall through the cracks. And Aven has an army of family and friends wishing her well and praying for her healing.

She is having a blast. She LOVED visiting family in Markham, Ontario. She asked if I would let her stay with my aunt Carla and uncle Sarbelio through a summer vacation! The children are getting to see different ways of living. They are learning that they can be just as happy with a cupboard of selected toys as they were with a room full of toys. They are learning survival skills from a dad who loves them and daily works hard to give them what they need. They are developing friendships and adapting to other customs and slang. Although they are going without some first world comforts, they are little fighters who don’t give up. The three middle ones have started a club called Mom’s SOS (a mother’s helper service) and they hand out coupons to any young mother with a baby or small child with the hope that they will be called upon to “help” another mother.

They were “road-schooling” but requested to attend a school here to experience something they haven’t had a chance to experience in almost 2 years. Boy, did they luck out! They are attending a small rural school with amazing teachers, teachers’ assistants, cafeteria staff, administrators and health personnel. The school has fantastic playgrounds (a must for Martin kids), a teepee in the field and a forest to explore in! When the principal was talking about the school, she just had to mention forest playground and I was in. I finally trusted the universe with my children once more. I let them go into a school and spend time with amazing people like the ones from our beloved Onoway Elementary School. It wasn’t easy and I felt a little triggered from some things in the past with Aven, but I managed.

Ready for their first day of school, NS

A FRIEND FROM MY PAST:

At church I reconnected with a talented woman who was my friend when I was in the young single adult ward (singles worship group) in Burnaby, B.C.! I didn’t know she lived here!!! In the church group we ended up in. Coincidence? No. I don’t think so.

She introduced us to her beautiful family and invited us to an outdoor dinner at her home. She put me in contact with a family that can potentially mentor us as we learn about off gridding. There are families who have included us in activities for the children, invited us to their homes even though we are such a large crowd. We have been welcomed by a kind and loving group of members. Recently a retired couple came to our aid when Gigi and I were in a single car accident. Because of the weather, there were no cabs available to bring us to where we are staying. The tow truck driver dropped us off at a Timmy’s and this couple left their home on a terrible driving day and came to pick us up and drop us back at our trailer! So very kind. As always, the people in our faith have made the difference between feeling the sting of isolation and understanding that while we may feel alone, we are not alone.

Trunk or Treat organized by members of the Bridgewater Ward, Wileville, NS

ONE FUTURE FAMILY GOAL:

Our kids would love to keep traveling outside of Canada, but that is not a possibility at this time. Maybe when Aven is at the 2-year scan phase. Maybe when the world is rid of the pandemic or the governments are able to manage it mor effectively. Maybe then.

This trip is allowing the family to reset. To feel liberated. Like traveling to Latin America as a family, traveling across Canada as a family was on our bucket list. And more than most, we have present in our minds how short life can be. How very precious is our time on this earth and how important our experiences with our children are. It hasn’t been easy. We seem to always have unexpected things happen in multiples. But just as our challenges are many so are our blessings. I can see the different outcomes and consider our possibilities. There are things that continue to weigh on my mind and to weary my heart. But everyday I get to look out at the field where the berries are wintering and the forest where the wind lets the trees be still or offers them a melody to dance to. I connect with my thoughtful friends from back home and am blessed by new friendships out here. I lean on my mom and sisters. I talk to my God. I cherish my kids. I persevere with my eternal companion. We continue to choose each other.

MY SANCTUARY:

I understand how sanctuary can be a place, like a temple or church or place of worship. It can be a country that offers asylum or a safe location that offers a welcome. And for me, it can also be a people. My sanctuary is wherever my family is.

This year instead of decorating a tree, we got to decorate a fence!

References: 

South Shore Farms

Maple Leaf Motel Campground & Restaurant

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

Larson's Home Centre, Lanigan SK

Pariosse Notre-Dame-de-Lourdes, French River

UNCERTAINTY AND FATIGUE: Life After A Cancer Diagnosis

At the Ronald Macdonald House in Jacksonville, Florida. The family joined Aven and I for the end of her proton radiation treatment.

 Prologue:

If you are new to reading this blog, about 2 years ago my daughter was diagnosed with medulloblastoma, which is a brain cancer found in the cerebellum. Our family had been in Canada for about 3 months following our return from a 1 year of humanitarian mission in Peru. 

I have shared through this blog and on her FB page a lot of her experience and how her critical illness affected and continues to affect her and the entire family. 

When we first faced the fear and uncertainty that was our child's cancer diagnosis, we experienced a hyper focus on the family. It isn't that there was a change in perspective because Aaron and I had already established a pattern of decision making that consistently put what was best for our children as the first priority. 

If you have ever had an eye exam you know that the optometrist puts different lenses in front of each eye and asks which one do you like best. This practice continues until you find the lenses that you like best. If you end up needing glasses this experimentation with different lenses is essential to finding the right prescription for your eyes. 

We think we have been gifted with our challenges and opportunities this year to more fully realize the "right prescription" for healing from the past and meeting our dreams and goals of the future.

March of this year was her 1 year anniversary of being done treatment. I shared my thoughts in my journal and then posted a similar pic on her FB page.

Finding Balance:

For a little over a year between 2019-2020, Aven and the family were in survival mode. As parents we lived in fear every time she had to have an intervention, treatment or testing. We tried to include people in her life and the children's lives who uplifted and strengthened because we were just surviving. It didn't feel like this world of loss and grief and sorrow and pain was a life. So many times we felt like loading up our trailer and running for the hills. Getting away from everyone and everything. But that is not possible when your child is in treatment. You just live with the fear and uncertainty and fatigue. 

We did our best to buffer Aven and cushion the falls because there were many let downs, many hard days. When the pandemic hit the world in early 2020, we had to modify, cancel, or postpone so many things that Aven and the children had been looking forward to. We had spent all of 2019 encouraging Aven to keep it up, to keep her eyes on the prize, to get through the year because better things were coming her way. That hopeful anticipation was crushed with the changes to the world that the pandemic brought. While many families use a Wish trip at the end of their child's treatment to breathe, slow down and relax, those like us whose children completed treatment at the beginning of a pandemic didn't have that opportunity. For Aven, it was like fighting with all your might and using all your energy to slay an overpowering dragon just to discover that  your knighting ceremony would not take place. 

Watching dad lose to a kid is the most fun thing ever!

Chickens:

Yes, you read that right. There are chickens in this story.

And what do you do when you are a parent with few resources and  have children with allergies to the usual pets? 

How do you give your warrior child something to look forward to and to help nurture? 

How do you come up with a surprise to try to make up for all that she lost, all that was postponed or canceled? 

Well if you are a glutton for punishment like I am you rent an incubator and attempt to hatch chicks. And when that doesn't work, you buy some sibling chicks from a farmer in your region. 

Our hens provided Aven and the children so much joy. The whole family took part in caring for them, watching them grow and seeing them progress from baby chicks to full grown and contributing members of the family. How these chickens were loved. How much comfort did they provide during such tumultuous times, is impossible to measure.

Then someone close to our house made a complaint. Instead of coming to us with any concerns and maybe touring our space, they went straight to the town. When the town did nothing to stop us from having hens, the person filed a complaint with bylaw. The officers who dropped by said the person complained about the possibility of noise or smell that can happen when chickens are raised. They inspected our backyard with coop and run. Triple run because we wanted to prevent the bullying of one of our hens. They were so impressed with how happy the chickens looked, how clean our yard and coop were and how not smelly it was, that they apologized repeatedly for having to enforce an outdated bylaw that allows only 2 hens on the property. When you care for your hens, they do not smell. This wasn't a commercial or farming project. These were members of the family who were treated with kindness and offered the same protection and love that one offers beloved pets. 

That visit from bylaw was a catalyst.

Saying goodbye to their pet hens.

What Now?

In April after learning we would need to re-home our hens, Aaron and I discussed various solutions. We prayed about a couple of the choices and then held a family council to present them to the kids. I told the children that if they wanted me to, I would advocate for them to be able to keep all their hens. I would need to get 10% of the town's electors to sign a petition that would allow the town to review the bylaw. Having a background in community activism, this was something I was confident that I could accomplish. (I even began the process by messaging with a few community members to pre-obtain their support.)

Alternately we could as a family try different communities to live in. We could start decluttering, downsizing and selling off some things in preparation for renting out our home. Having the house rented would give us the freedom we needed to explore other places. We could potentially start school in another city and after camping in our trailer for the summer rent a house ourselves somewhere new. 

Of course this second solution had other factors that made it not only more appealing for Aaron and I as parents, but also more realistic in terms of our financial stability and preparing for our future goals.

Knowing the hens were going to be in the home of our friends, where they could visit them anytime, the children voted unanimously to start preparations to rent our home and spend time living in our trailer.

I waited a couple of months to let my boss know that we would be moving out of the community if we found a good family to rent our home. We thought it would take us a few months to find someone or some people. But after listing it in our community page, it took one day. 

At Imrie Park shooting their Mother's Day video.

Wrench

Our plans to have an extended camping time this summer and part of the fall in Alberta had to be altered when I discovered that my grandmother had taken a turn for the worse. This is the matriarch I have written about. This is the one that took me in when I was homeless. I spent 4 months from May to August of my 24th year going between my grandmother's home and my great-grandmother's home in El Salvador. I walked with my grandmother to church and went with her to doctor's appointments. I watched her cook and I swept her home. I listened to music and swung on my late grandfather's hammock. She gave me counsel and watched over me.

Remembering how many times my mom changed her plans for me, and realizing I am the only one of the siblings that has this flexibility to go (and with my hero sister's help), it was clear that I had to go to see my grandmother and be with her and my mother in El Salvador. 

And I have beautiful little strings attached to me. They are bound to me and depend on me. As Aven's neuropsychologist put it. I am their comfort item.

So what motivates a wimpy, demanding, OCD-ish germophobe to travel internationally alone with 4 kids during a pandemic?

Knowing that if I don't do this now, if I don't at least try to see my grandmother and be there for her and my mother, I will regret it the rest of my days on this planet. 

Mom and our children.

What is Next?

Aaron and Gigi will camp at one of our friends' home while Gigi finishes some upgrading for post secondary and Aaron gets the trailer ready for a longer journey. He has to try to get our other truck to run so he can sell it and then he and Gigi will join the rest of the family in El Salvador. The family trip to El Salvador was one of the things we had to postpone last year. Although it wasn't part of the initial plan which was decided at the family council in April, going to the village I was born in has brought me a peaceful, grateful and hopeful feeling. 

The hope is that having these moments to look forward to in my mother's home and my grandmother's home and this time away will help me with the uncertainty and fatigue that are my daily companions.

The hope is that living in our trailer and camping in different communities in Alberta, possibly traveling to different provinces will give us the chance to see more clearly the path for us. We hope the time together will be healing for all of us. We hope to slow things down. Not worry about chores or bills or material things. We don't need things, we need time. We need time together. We need time to breathe and live. Not just survive.

On the way home.

Miracle Baby: The way our family sees the youngest child

One of my favorite things to do is mark the children's birthdays with a quick photo shoot for my digital journal. I love looking back at the pictures I take and I modify the files so that I can post on social media.

Background:

In 2015 our family moved to a small town named Onoway just outside of Edmonton. After having lived 4 hours away from Edmonton for 7 years, living only 1 hour away from that metropolitan city was so exciting. 

We drove into town in our red truck pulling our trailer behind. As we arrived, even though we had been in the town when we found the home we purchased, I felt a little quesy. I had not lived in such a small community since I was a 4 year old, living in the village that I was born in. I worried about whether we made the right choice. I wondered if I was feeling sick because it was a new place and it was small town. After all, after leaving my village with my family at age 5, I had only lived in major centers. The first few weeks here in town, I was sure I was having stomach problems because I was anxious about having moved here. I could not have known then, how the community would embrace our family during our time of crisis.

By the 4th week in our new home, I suspected something else was going on. I had an inkling that the impossible might be possible. I began to suspect that I might be pregnant! Casually I asked Aaron to pick up a test for me and then waited a couple of weeks before I took it. By then Aaron had forgotten all about the test. So, when I woke up early one morning to take it and discovered the positive line on the stick, then quickly woke him up to share the news, I think he was in a bit of a shock!

This is because according to our medical situations, a pregnancy was highly unlikely. But, as I mentioned earlier, I had begun to sense in an impossible possibility!

Enter Ammon Dezi Dee

Why is the birth of my youngest son such a big topic still 5 years later? Because it was the hardest pregnancy and most terrible delivery of all my pregnancies. And, I was accustomed to the pain of loss, the suffering of an imperfect body and the hardship of my having a child at such an uncomfortable age. 

My specialist knew when I was rushed to the hospital that after everything I had been through, if my contractions were coming that fast and I was losing that much blood, and it being a month earlier than my due date, she had to act. Sadly because she wasn't at her best, she made a mistake that caused me more complications and pain and suffering. Yet, when I look at Ammon and I listen to him speak. When I hear him sing and watch him dance and smile and laugh and tell a joke, I wouldn't change the circumstances of his birth. I would go through it all again. Just to see his beautiful smile and bask in his sweet yet powerful energy.

The Present

May 27th was his 5th birthday. 

Not only did he survive under precarious conditions in my uterus, he has survived and thrived for 5 years! 

This little guy had to live without a mom and dad for 2 weeks when Aven was diagnosed with cancer. Then he had to do without his mother for almost 9 weeks while I went to Florida with Aven for proton radiation therapy. 

Some people call it intuition. In my faith, we call it inspiration or direction from the Spirit of God when we feel compelled to do something. 

In December of 2018, although there was no obvious reason to wean him from breastfeeding and after having been a staunch supporter of breastfeeding for our kids, I felt it was time to wean him. He had accomplished the independence of being weaned for about 3 weeks when we were told in the hospital that we and Aven would not be coming home anytime soon.

The only thing that hurt me more, that tore my heart in two was leaving him behind. We left Ammon and his siblings behind to travel for the treatment to give Aven her best chance. That was in February of 2019 and even now, two years later, there are times that he struggles with me leaving the house without him. I know that each of the children has struggles from that time in our lives, yet as the youngest in the home, his struggle makes me feel the most guilty.

I know that guilt is a common feeling for mothers who have been in my situation and that I shouldn't beat myself up about what was a devastating decision, still it is an inner struggle. What part of my inner me do I feed? 

A State of MIND: A short but relevant digression

Recently I had a chance to explain to my 4 youngest children how my mind works. We were on a camping trip and I was roughing it by first world standards and my at times diva alter ego standards. So I made a decision as a parent that I immediately questioned and had an internal melt-down about.

I shared with Aven, Lily, Jimmy and Ammon that almost always when I make parenting decision, there is an inner struggle between what I perceive is an example of a competent parent and what I perceive is a bad parent. I shared with them that I was presently struggling between what I knew was an unfair (bad parent/person) decision and what I knew was the better (good/competent parent/person) decision. I told them as they sat sweetly listening to me share passionately what I was feeling, that I knew that there was one or the other that I had to feed.

And even though I was tired and grouchy about a water situation in our trailer (yeah, I know it was wimpy of me), and even though I was going to put myself out of my comfort zone by choosing the "better" parenting decision, I STILL HAD A CHOICE about which part of my inner me to feed. So I told them, that I was choosing to feed the better parent within me. If they would give me a second chance to make the better decision, they too would get a second chance. The consequence from the actions they had taken would be modified so that it was fair. That meant they were going to get to do something they had been looking forward to. And those little kids. Poor little kids. They cheered me on. They said thank you and good job. And I felt like a million bucks. I had won a tiny but terrible inner battle. 

Pigeon Lake

Walk in the Pigeon Lake campsite while dad prepared a tinfoil dinner.

Posing carefully before a multi-kid dive in the air. A picture of that would have been nice if I wasn't worried about Aven's landing. So I stood near her instead.

Watching the one Diego dvd we have in the trailer, while mom and dad cleaned up and got ready for the days activities.

Dad teaching Jimmy how to dig a moat around his castle.

Back to Ammon

I share that small glimpse into my thoughts because I know that every member of our family will for some time struggle with feelings of guilt and sadness. We will grieve what we once had before Aven got sick. We will struggle with common symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder. {According to our neuropsychologist} And we will have to choose. What feelings inside of us we will feed. 

So while I look forward to the time that I don't have guilt about my youngest child having had to struggle without me at such a tender age, it is ok if I experience guilt. I can let it have a temp position in my mind. And when it's contract is done, I can thank it for what it taught me and let it move on.

Posing in his new hat.

Our little Tsunami

It was heartwarming to live these few days before Ammon's birthday. The children each asked if they could use their own money to gift him something. All day they helped him and pampered him. In our family, the birthday kid doesn't have to do chores on their birthday. They get to choose what they want to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Ammon chose toast and grapes for breakfast, pizza for lunch and Chinese food for dinner. We had to change the itinerary for this birthday because Aven had to be in the hospital today. He took it all in stride. God bless him for his resilience and adaptability.

One of my favorite close ups.

Birthday Eve

In our family we also celebrate birthday eve. This year we have celebrated birthday eve with the family of some amazing youth. It is an interesting dynamic because our little kids love their teenagers and LOVE to go to their acreage and just roam. The daughters have been our helpers and babysitters. All 3 of the children have blessed our children's lives with kindness. The family have similar values and perspectives.

A stroll through the woods on our friends' property.

2021-Second Pandemic Birthday

Since Aven had to have her ophthamology appointment and the children wanted to go into town with her, we switched up the plans we had for Ammon's 5th birthday.

Before the pandemic the children would take turns going with Aven to the hospital. Now only one parent is allowed and no siblings can go.  Aaron dropped Aven and I off and took the kids to Hawrelak Park while we were at her follow-up.

Ammon asked for a helium balloon and bought one for each of the little kids. His was a dinosaur of course. Then we headed home in time for dinner.

One of the most fun parts for our kids birthday celebrations is playing spin the bottle. The birthday boy got to spin the bottle to decide which present to open from each family member. In the past, it would be their little friends in a circle. We have a big enough herd that it is a party even if just immediate family is present!

Gratitude:

After years of secondary unexplained infertility, the addition of more children to our family has been miraculous. And when I consider all the things that had to go right in order for Ammon to be born, I feel keenly the mercy and blessing of my Heavenly parents.

Our family didn't take each other for granted in the past, but after what we have lived for the last 2 years, our time together is that much more precious to us. 

Aaron and I are grateful for the beautiful and amazing and talented children we have been trusted with. We are in awe of them. When birthdays come around in our family, we honor the divine intervention that made their births a reality. 

Aven is a little mother hen to Ammon. She and he often compete for a spot next to me at bedtime cuddle time.

Some of my favorite photos of Aaron with Ammon. It was hard to narrow all of them down!

Gigi has been his constant. As the firstborn and the lastborn, they have a unique and special bond.

The best way to describe their relationship is: ticking time bomb. I intervene in the pre-fights because they are not currently evenly matched for strength. Jimmy is learning how his actions impact and influence his younger brother. 

Lily is the best friend and amazing sister helper to her youngest brother. She and he are evenly matched as buddies because of her gentle and flexible personality.

There are few pictures of me and Ammon (or any of the kids) because I am usually behind the camera. But I did manage to find these!

Our thoughtful neighbor gave us the plant baskets from her purchases so we would have enough for our seeds. Here Ammon is in a rare slow moment, helping to plant.

Ready for the "beach".

One of the poses he chose for his birthday photo shoot.

His picture smile.

Mama Nemi (Memi): the next best thing to mom. My mom has supported me in all the good and bad times for my family and I. 

First photo medley after being released from the hospital.

References:

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/?lang=eng

https://www.facebook.com/sunshinegirlaven

https://www.instagram.com/brillianttu/