Brilliant TU!: JUST THE THREE OF US FOR NOW: 8 Tips for Enduring Infertility in a Family Centered Church

When we had just one child, one of the things I loved most about going to our church's sacrament meeting, was watching all the families coming in to take their spots along different benches. They were all shapes, ages, sizes, and depending on the ward, they were from different ethnic groups. Usually though, the families who still had children at home, had more than one child. Of this group, if they had only one child, there was usually another one on the way (or at least another one planned).

For over seven years of Sunday meetings, attendance at church activities or events, we felt out of place having just one child. Some looked at us curiously and we could see they were trying to figure out why we were not having any more children. A few times, in the classes, comments were made that there were some “among us” who chose not to have more than one child. We knew they were referring to us and although we were certain no offence or harm was intended, we still felt sadness and sometimes bitterness for being judged for something we had no control over. Although the isolation we felt lessened our desire to be at church, we persevered and continued to attend our meetings regularly and to serve in our callings faithfully. We did not allow the insensitive comments of a few people, determine how we interacted with the church family as a whole. Fortunately, this trial brought us closer together as a couple and made us daily aware of our Heavenly Father’s presence in our lives, and of His love for us.

Over time, we decided to share with the congregation we were part of, our struggle with secondary unexplained infertility. That is when a perfectly healthy couple who has had one child (or more children) without the use of reproductive help, is then unable to conceive; or, if the wife does get pregnant, she cannot maintain the pregnancy. We were told there was no medical explanation for our type of infertility. When we were going through this experience and shared our struggle, because of a lack of awareness and knowledge and the fact that we had one beautiful gregarious little girl, we were often not believed. We would get teased and the jokes would start. I believe for some people, it was their akward way of trying to show support. We truly believe there was no harm intended. Sometimes, well-meaning members would say: “At least you have your daughter” or “You should be grateful you have at least one child, so and so has none”. As if my longing or pain were any less. Yet, I knew what it felt like to have life growing inside of me. I knew what it felt like to have my body adapt and change and become a welcoming home for one of Heavenly Father’s children. I had felt the awe of beholding a recently arrived from Heaven little person who depended solely on me for everything. The feeling of being needed and being the one thing in the world this child could not live without was humbling and sacred for me. It was as if I had tasted a delicious fruit and knew how wonderful it was and then I could only watch while others enjoyed it. That is, while others grew their families, my husband, daughter and I could only long for ours to grow.

In one congregation we attended, I once I asked if I could organize an infertility support group for the sisters. My thoughts were that meeting with other women who currently struggled or had previously struggled would help me to not feel so isolated and alone. My woman's group president was very supportive of the idea. She became a liaison for me to meet some sisters who were struggling and had struggled with infertility. She also became my mentor and a wonderful friend. However, not all my leaders were open to considering my suggestions. I was told one young mom serving as a leader had responded that creating a group of “whining” or “crying women” would not be a good idea. The lack of understanding and empathy only added to my pain and isolation.

Although I did not create the group, I did join some online support groups and I submerged myself in my scriptures and in service opportunities. I endeavored to create a little piece of heaven in the home and in the circumstances, I had been given. I also worked really hard to look for things to be grateful for in my life. I tried my best to be what God wanted me to be.

There are some ways in which I feel I coped well and other ways that I don't think I did. There are things I wished I had known or had the courage to do. If I could send a message to my past self, or to anyone who may be currently experiencing this type of challenge, it would be to say:

Be your own advocate

If you feel there is something that will help you cope with your trial, talk to your family, peers, leaders, doctors, and lobby for support if you must. Include people in your network that you are comfortable with and who have a healthy degree of emotional intelligence. Do not be discouraged if your request or ideas on how others can be helpful falls on apathetic ears. Keep advocating until you get the help you need. With prayerful consideration, allow others who may have experienced what you are going through into your life. Have a safe person who can be there for you at church when you are having a down day. Sometimes that can be a ministering companion or a sister who ministers to you, or just about anyone you trust who understands empathy. You do NOT have to suffer in silence and alone.

Embrace service opportunities prayerfully

Having just one child means that you can sometimes have more time and resources than someone else. Do not let sorrow, jealousy or inadequacy, cause you to turn down opportunities to help someone who seems to get pregnant easily. Consider accepting opportunities to “mother” someone else’s child even if it hurts when you must give that child back. Having said that, only you will know if you have enough emotional fortitude to serve in situations that place you with children. Share your feelings with your leaders so that they can be thoughtful and conscientious in what types of callings or assignments to give you. It is also a good idea to let leaders know how much of your struggle (if any at all) you are willing to have shared in a ward council (congregation leadership council) for instance.

Be flexible

Living with infertility can be a roller coaster ride for both spouses. Sometimes you may wish to participate in baby showers and even plan them, while other times you may feel that participating in someone else’s joy will be too painful. Be kind to yourself. Do not judge yourself or give in to negative self-talk because you are not up to socializing at another woman’s baby shower. Learn to recognize the triggers that cause you to go into a negative loop. Create a list of things that bring you joy and fulfillment so that when you find yourself spiraling downward in your emotional health, you have healthy options already established. If your faith has a temple (for LDS members, if you have a temple recommend), GO TO THE TEMPLE. Even if you don't, if you live near a temple, go to the temple grounds and seek the Lord in your own way. The temple will provide you and your spouse a refuge from your trial, and regular, earnest attendance will bring you peace. Follow your heart to places you consider sacred or where you feel closer to your Heavenly Father.

Keep your finger on the pulse of your marriage

The journey with infertility of any kind is heartbreaking, stressful, and exhausting. Ensure you and your partner are both still in agreement as you plan for short and long-term goals. A husband can especially feel helpless as he sees his wife undergoing sometimes invasive procedures or experiencing loss. It can be devastating for him to feel like he cannot take her pain away. Remember, he too, has suffered loss and longs for a child or more children. If needed, seek outside professional assistance to help you cope with all the stresses that this type of challenge brings to a marriage.

Take time for each other that does not involve anything to do with family planning.
Be extra vigilant about honoring your covenants and showing your love in your words and your actions.
Keep the lines of communication impeccably clear.

Let the child(ren) you have know they are enough

Remember that your child(ren) will see your suffering and as much as you may try to hide it, they will know something has happened. Let them into your trial in an age appropriate way. Understand they may have concerns or desires that they may be afraid to voice. Be their safe place and let them know they are loved beyond measure, independent of whether they have siblings or not. Prepare them for comments that might be hurtful by role playing with them in advance of gatherings with other families or friends. One time, we were visiting with a sibling's family and our daughter was happily enjoying her chance to play with her baby cousin. When that baby's older sister saw this she walked over and said: "That's our baby, Gigi!" and took over playing with the baby. I saw the pain in my child's eyes and wished I had prepared her in advance. After leaving we attempted to cheer her up by coming up with light hearted responses for next time. We never again met with family or friends without preparing her for childish/thoughtless comments.
Find ways for your child(ren) to experience sibling type relationships by organizing play dates or get togethers with other families who have children who are similar in age. I did this by babysitting a younger child in my home and also by looking after my cousin's girls.

Educate yourself and others about grief

Grief is a complex and sometimes misunderstood emotion. You can have lasting difficulties if you are not able to complete your circle of grief. The loss you experience may feel overwhelming and you need to be watchful that it does not consume you. Be sure both you and your spouse understand grief and its effect on one’s emotions and actions. People experiencing grief can sometimes engage in risky behaviour and have lapses in sound judgement. Ensure you seek counselling early if you feel that the loss you are experiencing or have experienced begins to impact your ability to cope with daily life. Share your knowledge of grief with those in your circle of influence. They may be grieving also and together you will be able to bear your burdens with more ease. By seeking both spiritual and medical advice and understanding that there will be a combination of things that will help, eventually you can heal.

For us, seeing a grief counselor allowed us to articulate what we were going through and get all the toxic feelings explained. With her help, we worked through "The Grief Recovery Handbook", which had a program with practical advice and exercises. Seeing a specialist while turning to our Heavenly Father for strength and healing, allowed my husband and I to move beyond grief and darkness into joy and light. (Complete name of the book below)

Ignore Judgements

Sometimes members of one's church equate blessings with worthiness. When I was told that I needed to increase my worthiness for Heavenly Father to bless me with another child, I tried to find ways to increase my level of discipleship. Although, I also felt like I was lower than dust. I thought maybe I was destined to perennially feel less worthy and less valuable than those who had the kind of family I longed for. I held a temple recommend, followed the prophet’s counsel, faithfully served in my callings and in my family and community, shared the gospel with my friends and family and did my very best to do what is right. But for some time in my journey with infertility, I allowed someone to make me believe that because I was barren, and later unable to keep my pregnancies viable, I was unworthy. Sadly, some relatives claimed that my body’s inability to carry a pregnancy to term was God’s punishment. They were so very wrong.

So many people made unhelpful, inaccurate and insensitive comments. If anyone tries to peddle untruth to you, ignore it!

I printed out my favorite quotes and placed them where I would see them daily. One was the following from Orson F. Whitney:

“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.”

(I just LOVE this quote! It has brought me hope in so many of my challenges. Attached is a devotional address given by Larry Richman on the topic of adversity. See first link below)

Reminding myself that my most important relationship was the one I had with my Heavenly Father and that what He thought of me was what really mattered, allowed me to endure my trials with faith.

Find your second-best wish

When I could not get pregnant by any method and my sunshine girl entered full days at school, I was SO lonely. I became very self-absorbed. To combat my feelings of inadequacy, bitterness and loneliness, and after many prayers and countless fasts, I was inspired to find employment outside of my home. I was blessed with a job that was both fulfilling and challenging. I found work in one of the fields I had studied, and I got to travel to rural Indigenous communities in the area that I lived. I made lasting friendships with the wonderful people there. I had opportunities to continue learning, assist in developing inclusive practices within the local government I worked for, and work with many talented people. I knew then that my job was a blessing of compensation because my most desired blessing of having more children was withheld for a time. Some wise words that gave me strength came in the way of a talk given by Joseph B. Wirthlin. He shared what he called, The Principle of Compensation and gave this inspired counsel:

"The third thing we can do is understand the principle of compensation. The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude. (Please see the second link below)

After 2 years of my second best wish, several invasive and painful procedures, 2 heartbreaking miscarriages and a devastating trial of my faith, that first wish, my greatest desire was granted. I know that the blessings I obtained after overcoming the darkest days of my life, are a direct result of truly understanding the Atonement of Christ, earnestly obeying the commandments, and letting God decide what the timeline was for our growing of our family. I had finally left it in his hands. I conceived and carried two precious little girls to term. It was a blessing from a merciful and loving Heavenly Father which I cherish every day and have never taken for granted. But, I had been prepared to live my second-best wish if that was His will. I understand that not all of us who experience infertility or have experienced it in the past have a happy outcome. I don't know why the ability to have more children was withheld from us for so long. I don't always understand why we have to face the trials that we do, but I know that when we face them with God on our side, turning toward Him instead of away from Him, we can overcome. We can succeed. Our failings and our failures can become strengths and successes.

Conclusion

I know that we each have our own path to walk and that withheld blessings may not all be given to us in this lifetime. God does apply the principle of compensation in our lives and we must have the courage to trust in Him. We can leave our burdens in his hands, whatever they may be. I know it is easier said than done, I have been there before. But, it is possible.

"The Grief Recovery Handbook, The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses including Health, Career, and Faith", by John W. James and Russell Friedman.

Learning Through Life's Trials, Larry Richman

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2010/03/learning-through-lifes-trials?lang=eng

Come What May and Love It, Joseph B.Wirthlin

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2008/10/come-what-may-and-love-it?lang=eng